Many many years ago when I were a little lad there used to be small hospitals, cottage hospitals, they were clean and healthy, nurses used to disinfect the wards clean everything in the wards and generally do what nurses should do, look after the patient. Sick people used to go into hospital and healthy people come out.
I know what you are going to say this is all a myth it was always better in the good old days polio, rickets, smallpox and TB oops that one has come back.
Be that as it may, I have come into possession of a document from the Department of Health which lays out a long-term plan starting in the 1960,s and into the future with updates and amendments to allow for unforseen problems.
The main problem in Britain is an aging population and the Governments inability to finance the long-term care and health of this group and with vast numbers of people being born the situation will only get worse.
The first thing to do was build bright shiny new hospitals and knock down these old ones. These new hospitals would have air-conditioning to keep all the bugs inside, and provide a healthy breeding enviroment for all the bacteria which would then became ingrained into the very fabric of these buildings. With poorly paid immigrants taking over jobs that nurses traditionally did, these hospitals would then became a veritable killing ground. Elderly relatives going into hospital with minor injuries might never see the light of day again, and even fairly healthy people would be put at risk plus you would have to travel forty miles to get to an A & E.
The ultimate plan was to have a single hospital for all of England based in Lowestoft. Why there you ask, it is probably the most awkward place to get to in the country, if you lived in Carlisle and had a major accident it would be pointless even trying to get there the patient would be dead long before they reached it. Ambulance drivers would be instructed to go and park up in a local Sainbury’s car park and wait for the person to die then take them back to their loved ones. This hospital would be filled entirely with NHS managers and the A & E department manned by one Doctor and one nurse thus it would have a ten-year waiting list this would allow bodies to decompose in the waiting room and it would be Hoovered or Dysoned out once a week..
But there was a flaw the press shouted, campaign groups attacked and public enquiries were held to condemn this shocking state of affairs, the plan had to be modified so that there would not be all of this suffering and disease.
As of the 01-04-2013 all patients entering hospital would be given a lethal injection, no longer would they lay in bed suffering bed sores, maltreatment, dehydration, and the indignity of lying in your own excrement, this would be replaced by a quick clean and completely healthy death. Projections have shown that this system would be so successful that regional NHS branches would open nation wide. In every Crematorium car park a portacabin will be located manned by a nurse and a porter next to this would be a funeral director, contracts have already been awarded these have gone to the brother-in-law of an NHS Trust Executive so you can have complete confidence in the service.
The patient would arrive with their families and friends who would wait outside the portacabin the patient would enter lay down on a trolley and be injected a machine would automatically print a death certificate which is pinned to the corpse Fifty pounds is then removed from a wallet/purse after all they would not want to die owing money. Then into the Chapel of rest where friends and relatives are waiting for a brief but moving service then into the crematorium for hymns a remembrance service giving a complete humane and caring finish to a person’s life.
This system would be so successful that hospitals no longer need have waiting lists or dirty and ill kept wards with all the sick and unhealthy people being despatched immediately. British hospitals could become the envy of the world, no longer third world squalor although that is probably an insult to third world countries. Within six months all hospitals would be immaculate and a joy to work in, within twelve months all patients having been despatched the need for hospitals is no longer a requirement.
All NHS staff would be made redundant but before this happens they have to attend a screening in case they were carrying a superbug, at an NHS portacabin bringing with them their families and friends in the unfortunate probability of them being carriers, an injection, service and burial being carried out immediately and it would save the government a huge sum of money in redundancy and pension payments.
Within two years the national debt having been paid off we can then afford to have a huge tax rebate. Happy Days. Oh while you are here do you mind bending over.
P. S. It’s not as funny as you think.
© Michael Douglas Bosc